Because sometimes it’s not about winning—it’s about unresolved issues and dramatic flair.

Welcome to Dragon Guild’s totally unlicensed, suspiciously accurate deep dive into your soul... via your Commander deck. This isn’t just cardboard—this is a cry for help wrapped in foil and sleeved in trauma.

Let’s begin the session.

🦸♀️ Atraxa, Praetors' Voice

Diagnosis: Obsessive-Compulsive Perfectionist with God Complex Tendencies
You love control. Not just in-game—like, in life. You alphabetize your spice rack, judge people by their font choices, and think proliferate is a love language. You're either deeply organized or spiraling—but no one will ever know because your board state is flawless.

🔥 Krenko, Mob Boss

Diagnosis: Chaos Goblin With Control Issues
You say “it’s just for fun” but you’re hoarding tokens like the IRS is coming. You’re a goblin in the streets and a spreadsheet in the sheets—strategic, aggressive, and deeply unbothered by collateral damage. Therapy? You already have a hundred friends. They’re just 1/1s.

🌿 Tatyova, Benthic Druid

Diagnosis: Passive-Aggressive Hippie with a Draw Addiction
You act chill, but you will salt the earth if someone touches your mana base. You’re here for good vibes, smooth ramp, and that dopamine hit when you gain life and draw a card... again. You’ve never shuffled your graveyard. You’ve just recycled your dreams.

🐍 Yarok, the Desecrated

Diagnosis: Drama Magnet. Probably an Eldritch Horror in Disguise.
You love triggers. You love pain. You love triggering pain twice. You say it’s just value, but really, you want people to fear you. And they do. Every time you drop a land and make six things happen, you smile like a Bond villain with a PhD in disappointment.

🧙 Mizzix of the Izmagnus

Diagnosis: Academic Burnout with a God Complex
You’re smart. Like, scary smart. But instead of therapy, you built a deck that casts 15 spells in one turn while muttering “just let me finish my stack.” You once tried to teach a new player and melted their brain. You meant well. Probably.

🐉 The Ur-Dragon

Diagnosis: Middle Child with Something to Prove
You're here for big, flashy, "swing and die screaming" energy. You could’ve played optimized aggro. Instead, you picked a 10-mana commander because subtlety is for cowards. You’re majestic. You're unhinged. You're the reason we had to start tracking turn order.

🧛♂️ Edgar Markov

Diagnosis: You crave power, attention, and possibly blood
You didn’t come to play fair. You came to win fast, drain life, and maybe traumatize new players. You say you just like tribal synergy, but deep down, you love being the villain. And honestly? We respect it.

🛋️ Closing the Session:

Whether you build jank for laughs or sleeved nightmares to punish souls, your Commander says a lot about you. Don’t worry—we’re not judging. (Okay, we are, but it’s all in good fun.)

So, what does your deck say about you?
Drop it in the comments… we’ll keep the couch warm.

#DragonGuildPsych #CommanderTherapy #MTGSpiceClinic #CardboardAndCoping